Lesson #1: Never Make a Promise You Can't Keep.

Its not like she ever made the promise. Its not as if a simple dignified ring can sample even a small piece of trust or promise. I never asked for anything more; nor for anything any less significant.

It dawned on me that a free trip on the train of LOVE doesn't exist. A free meal, a free drink, nor a free bag of peanuts. It's not as if i expected it, its only that i hoped for it. However, hope is something that many people get carried away on. Im one of those people. One of those lowly hopeless people. 

I don't remember if she promised it, nor do i remember if she even offered to do it. All i remember is that she would and all i hoped for was that she really did. Its another one of those things where i hope so much for something to happen, and sadly, it doesn't. Its just another day where something i dream and smile about all day just doesn't occur. Im not saying the smiles were scripted, all im saying is that they were all just a teeny weeny bit wider. If i never smile again i hope she understands why. 

Too many let downs and too many heartbreaks. I mean "heartbreak" in its most belittled form. Its as if a young boy's mother tells him that they're going to see a basketball game after work, yet only takes him to watch "Coach Carter" on the silver screen. The child is disapointed, but hopes that one day his mother will actually follow through with the small commitment she has made to take him to see the Lakers. I suppose im much like the little boy... hoping that one day she will take me to the Staples Center. 

-Johnny "never again" Lance.

P.S. I know i tend to ramble... 

I lie eyes closed... crushed.

Its hard to imagine a life without boundaries, rules or regulations. A life where you don't have to lock your door at night or look over your shoulder everytime you walk through a dark and lonely street.  A life where everybody smiles at each other and the old man working at the corner candy store stands outside handing lollipops to all the children who pass by. Essentially, this is what every man's "utopia" is. And you know what i realized today? This theory of happiness and joy is a trashtruck full of shit. Happiness is a small feeling achieved by a small percentage of people who know no boundaries and live by no rules. And I, oh the very insignificant person that I am, am crushed. Crushed not by the heavy burdens of financial instability or by the obligation to be successful, but by the very essence of life that every single man, woman and child strive to keep: That is LOVE.

Hopeless is what they call me. Some say these feelings of reluctance, regret and instability are only temporary. And as long as my chin is kept high and tall, everything will slowly be put into place. However, some people do not realize that keeping your chin strong is difficult when the constant "straight jab" of LOVE is blowing right through the middle of your two small red gloves. This is why my perspective on LOVE is different. This is why i no longer believe in it.

It is difficult, at least for myself, to continue to believe in something that has been so false. It has been such a rough and curvy road on this path to seeing and feeling LOVE. When everything seems so perfect, so utopian, it suddenly crumbles like a heap of dry leaves during a strong summer breeze. And once i begin to "rake" the leaves back together, it is if GOD himself lifts his right arm with such infinite power and somehow finds a way to re-destroy what i built and throw it back into the ground. However, no matter how down things get, i never blame GOD. I only blame myself.

Some say that it isn't my fault and that she does these things for the mere fact that she is a gritty little slut who thinks about no one but herself. ...but i never do. If that were true, then so many of the reasons why i love/d her would be completely negated. So instead i blame myself. I blame myself for being a pompous prick. I blame myself for NOT being a good boyfriend, for NOT being there when i easily could have. I also blame myself for being naive and therefore, too controlling. Whatever it is, i blame myself for everything. 

...too much on my mind. and i can't find a way to transfer it onto my fingers. 

-Johnny "in despair" Lance

A FRESH START

So after about 8 months of having kept this blogger dormant, i've decided to revive it and give whoever the fuck reads this a quick update of my life. 

So about two weeks ago, the girlfriend decides to tell me in the "nicest" possible way, that she isn't happy with my fatass and that she needs to go and experience the rest of her college life. So what's a man left with after that? Sure, it wasn't a shock... she wasn't always the BEST girlfriend, but i never thought it would actually come down to that. Needless to say, i didn't react to it in the worst way. I never attempted to commit suicide, nor try different types of downer drugs. One would think that with all our medical technology, doctors would have found a cure for a broken heart by now. right?

Anyway, i know this blog seems kind of farfetched and scrambled, but really its because i just have so much to say and i can't seem to transfer my thoughts down to my fingers and onto this stupid Mac.  However, i will remain focused and try to continue. 

So let me tell you about the rules of engagement... err, disengagement. We both decided to remain friends, and even up to this day we still pretty much talk on a regular basis. However, do not be fooled! Its amazing how fast someone can really get over their significant other. Its only been a couple of weeks and its seems as though she has already moved on. New myspace pictures, no more comments on each other's pages, and the ever downplaying role of new friends over at the apartment everyday. Fishy? Hardly. I should've expected it. I should've known that when someone tells you that they don't love you anymore, THEY REALLY DONT LOVE YOU ANYMORE. I guess its just that when she told me that she wasn't content with our relationship, i thought i could play superhero and try to save it. I mean, that's why i fell in love with her in the first place? She was like a lost puppy, dying to find a home, and looking for someone to hold her. Its just that im a sucker for people like that, and i can't help but try and save them. My fault right?

With that said, my blog isn't meant to inspire hatred or treachery  against her. Its just to vent. To vent to someone and to anyone. Since this was my first real relationship i never knew why people crawled under a rock for a few weeks when they would break up with their significant other. Lesson Learned. I suppose its going to be one rough flight these next few weeks. 

People always told me that breakups were always hard... however i always found a way to doubt them. Is there a book written on how relationships are? Is there a certain formula that always happens in these situations? i'll just have to wait and see..