I lie eyes closed... crushed.

Its hard to imagine a life without boundaries, rules or regulations. A life where you don't have to lock your door at night or look over your shoulder everytime you walk through a dark and lonely street.  A life where everybody smiles at each other and the old man working at the corner candy store stands outside handing lollipops to all the children who pass by. Essentially, this is what every man's "utopia" is. And you know what i realized today? This theory of happiness and joy is a trashtruck full of shit. Happiness is a small feeling achieved by a small percentage of people who know no boundaries and live by no rules. And I, oh the very insignificant person that I am, am crushed. Crushed not by the heavy burdens of financial instability or by the obligation to be successful, but by the very essence of life that every single man, woman and child strive to keep: That is LOVE.

Hopeless is what they call me. Some say these feelings of reluctance, regret and instability are only temporary. And as long as my chin is kept high and tall, everything will slowly be put into place. However, some people do not realize that keeping your chin strong is difficult when the constant "straight jab" of LOVE is blowing right through the middle of your two small red gloves. This is why my perspective on LOVE is different. This is why i no longer believe in it.

It is difficult, at least for myself, to continue to believe in something that has been so false. It has been such a rough and curvy road on this path to seeing and feeling LOVE. When everything seems so perfect, so utopian, it suddenly crumbles like a heap of dry leaves during a strong summer breeze. And once i begin to "rake" the leaves back together, it is if GOD himself lifts his right arm with such infinite power and somehow finds a way to re-destroy what i built and throw it back into the ground. However, no matter how down things get, i never blame GOD. I only blame myself.

Some say that it isn't my fault and that she does these things for the mere fact that she is a gritty little slut who thinks about no one but herself. ...but i never do. If that were true, then so many of the reasons why i love/d her would be completely negated. So instead i blame myself. I blame myself for being a pompous prick. I blame myself for NOT being a good boyfriend, for NOT being there when i easily could have. I also blame myself for being naive and therefore, too controlling. Whatever it is, i blame myself for everything. 

...too much on my mind. and i can't find a way to transfer it onto my fingers. 

-Johnny "in despair" Lance